NATTAP Conference, Part 1

Posted on November 24th, 2008 in blog rants by Aspie Rhetor

I wrote the following blurb for the Asperger’s/HFA group I’m a part of, Aspirations. Some version of this will be appearing in the December newsletter. Last week, I was able to spend some time at the NATTAP Conference (Network of Autism Training and Technical Assistance Programs).

On Friday, November 21, I hopped on the #2 bus and headed toward the convention center, on my way to see one of the keynote speakers at the NATTAP Conference—Temple Grandin. I held a name badge in hand, a badge that wasn’t my own, largely owing to the fact that I was too miserly to register for the conference. Once I walked through the front doors, I pretended to be Jeff Siegel [an Aspirations facilitator], and no one noticed the misnomer, excepting one creepy guy who said “Hi, Jeff” as I walked past a table in the exhibition hall. After that point, I removed my fraudulent tag and moseyed into the auditorium.

The session began nearly 15 minutes late, and then started off with four speakers who, though I’m sure were important, relied entirely too much on PowerPoint and monosyllabic words. I tuned them out, instead fascinated by the lighting effects in the room. The stage had two large fiberglass panels on the ends, each of which slowly turned different colors, hushed reds and purples and greens. Center stage and affixed from several light fixtures hung a large cardboard globe, and descending from the middle was a strange shape, the symbol of the conference—I spent about twenty minutes debating whether it was a puzzle piece or a person that looked like a puzzle piece. Alas, I could wonder no more, as suddenly Temple Grandin was called onto the stage, each of the boring people filtering back to their front-row seats.

I’ve never seen Grandin speak, though I have read several of her books and have watched some of her presentations on YouTube. Calling her energetic would be an understatement. Her talk about autism spectrum disorders had the fervency of a televangelist, minus the damnation and tithing stuff, if you can imagine that. For those not familiar with her work, Grandin was born in 1947 and sported all the symptoms of full-blown, classic autism. Today, she’s a professor at Colorado State and has designed half of the facilities for livestock that exist in the U.S. And, according to her blurb in the NATTAP program, she’s arguably the most famous autistic person in the world. HBO is currently filming a movie about her early life, with Claire Danes playing the role of Grandin. As Grandin discussed her visit to the Hollywood set during the keynote talk, she mentioned how she cared less for meeting Claire Danes than she did for playing with all the neat electronic toys on the set.

What I really enjoyed about Grandin’s talk was her perspective on ASD—a focus on strengths rather than deficits. Sometimes I read autism-related articles or watch documentaries on Asperger’s and walk away thinking “woe is me,” wondering why I even bother to tie my shoes in the morning or trudge through the existential quandary that is life. Grandin described three thinking types that generally typify persons with ASD:

  1. Visual thinkers (poor at Algebra)
  2. Music and math thinkers (love patterns)
  3. Verbal fact thinkers (poor at drawing, tend to be the aspies who love History, fact-finding, and/or language-based subjects)

Grandin continually emphasized that “eccentric” is OK, that not everyone should be “plain vanilla,” that autism is variable, that no one on the spectrum is of a cookie-cutter mold. The only way to help insure success of those on the spectrum, she argued, is to drill social skills into them at a very early age and in very specific ways.

Grandin claimed that there is a big difference between old and new aspies, that aspies of previous generations have tended to be more successful in jobs and relationships because rules and manners were more structured in the 50s and 60s. She uses herself as an example—her success, she maintained, dealt largely with her mother being very specific about what qualifies as rudeness. “Neurotypicals,” she lamented, “are too vague today.”

Grandin concluded a bit prematurely, mostly because the boring people at the beginning started late. She suggested that practitioners learn to better identify the strengths of those on the spectrum and capitalize on those strengths for employment. She also stressed that many people with ASD “are what they do.” After her talk, she sat at a table in the exhibition hall and signed books. In true miserly fashion, I brought my tattered, heavily used copy of Thinking in Pictures, an ex-library book that I splurged three dollars for on half.com. Grandin signed it and made a comment about the old library stamps. I told her that I was a poor grad student surviving on Ramen Noodles and my professors’ mercy, and she seemed to understand.

Temple Grandin’s signature
Photographic evidence: Grandin’s signature

Letter to Gordon Gee, President of Ohio State University

Posted on November 21st, 2008 in Uncategorized by Aspie Rhetor

In a previous post, I wrote about the epidemic rhetoric surrounding an Autism Speaks walk hosted at OSU. The walk occurred this past October, and while I expected those affiliated with Autism Speaks (e.g. Bob and Suzanne Wright) to spout off the regular curebie stuff, I didn’t expect the president of my university to join in. Consequently, I wrote a letter to President Gee, as follows:

12 November 2008

E. Gordon Gee, President
205 Bricker Hall
190 North Oval Mall
The Ohio State University
Columbus, OH 43210

Dear President Gee:

I am writing in regards to statements made at the Autism Speaks walk held on campus this past October 12. My name is Melanie Yergeau, and I am a second-year Ph.D. student in English. My area of focus is disability studies, and I have Asperger’s Syndrome, a form of high-functioning autism.

Ohio State has a small but burgeoning community of autistic students, and many of us were dismayed at your call to “cure” autism during the event on October 12. Though several autistics from our campus group were in attendance at the rally, I was not. As with many others on the autism spectrum, I do not feel that Autism Speaks speaks for autistic individuals. I was, however, saddened by The Lantern’s emphasis on one of your remarks at the rally, during which you claimed, “It [autism] should not exist.” Many—and I would argue most—autistics do not want to be cured. Both high- and low-functioning individuals on the spectrum understand autism as their unique way of perceiving the world (e.g., Amanda Baggs, D.J. Savarese). Autism is a part of who I am: remove the autism and you remove me.

I have waited a month to send this letter because, I admit, I am so very close to this subject. However, a non-autistic Master’s student in social work suggested that you might not realize that autistics do attend Ohio State, that more of us enter the university everyday. And in further contemplating this, I realized that perhaps you have been thrown into this autism debate without realizing that it is, indeed, a debate.

Until very recently, I have felt incredibly welcome at Ohio State—due to the interdisciplinary work of the Disability Studies Program and the Department of English, the Office of Disability Services, and the programs for high-functioning/Asperger’s adults at the Nisonger Center. I would urge you, as you continue in your autism advocacy, to consider what cure means to autistic individuals themselves, to familiarize yourself with organizations that actually appoint autistic individuals to their executive boards (e.g., the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network, or the Global and Regional Asperger Syndrome Partnership). In this regard, I find it important to note that none of the leadership or board positions of Autism Speaks are occupied by autistics: Autism Speaks speaks about autistics rather than for or with autistics.

As I read articles and listen to reports of the rally from my saddened autistic friends, I’ve noticed a trend in representation at Autism Speaks rallies like the one on October 12, 2008: autistics themselves have no voice. Any conversation that determines the fate of autism, I would argue, must consider the opinions, voices (however literally or metaphorically), and experiences of those on the autism spectrum. Although Autism Speaks admirably aims to help families attain necessary medical services, their cure-and-epidemic rhetoric frequently denies autistic individuals a most fundamental right—that of their personhood.

I have written this letter to you personally because I would like to think that the president of the university I attend might not refer to autistics as pitiable people in need of cures and able-bodied heroes, but rather as full and contributing members of the university community. Only when we acknowledge that the conversation on autism must, of necessity, include autistics can we begin to help all those affected by autism to lead productive and fulfilling lives. It is my hope that you might not only speak as a university president on issues of autism, but as a role model for those within the autistic community.

Sincerely,

Melanie Yergeau
Department of English
421 Denney Hall
164 W. 17th Ave
Columbus, OH 43210
yergeau.1@osu.edu

CC: Brenda Brueggemann, Coordinator of the Disability Studies Program, Department of English

Because there are two sides to every binary…

Posted on November 21st, 2008 in blog rants by Aspie Rhetor

In my last post, I picked two photos in which I was pretty aspie-looking (or, aspie-looking according to aspie stereotypes). How rhetorical of me. Here’s me being rhetorical again, with another photo, this one less conforming to the typical autistic portrait:

me, steph, and stuffed animals

Look! I’m SMILING! (gasp — autistics can smile?)

And look! I’m with ANOTHER HUMAN BEING! (gasp — autistics and humans? in the same room?)

Oh, but look — I’ve lined up all of my stuffed animals. Oops. I’ll try to be less orderly from now on.

Oh, and did I mention that the other HUMAN BEING (or not) in the photo is also on the autism spectrum? My bad. Unfortunately, my parents decided to continue reproducing after they had me. If only Autism Speaks had forewarned them…

</sarcasm>

Some thoughts on eye contact

Posted on November 20th, 2008 in blog rants by Aspie Rhetor

I’ve been wearing eyeglasses since the age of eight. The narrative is a familiar one: I couldn’t see the chalkboard at school, walked into telephone poles, made head contact with dodge balls more often than usual. I remember my first trip to the optometrist, a small balding man with a penchant for incomprehensible soccer truisms, and I also remember him announcing that I had a birthmark in my left eye in addition to very high eye pressure, the latter a potential risk for glaucoma.

I never had a gradual adjustment period with my glasses — the doctor insisted that I could only remove them when I bathed, slept, and played soccer (and I didn’t play soccer, and wasn’t quite sure why he kept droning on and on about soccer). Once I started wearing the glasses — bright pink frames encasing mammoth lenses — colors grew darker, faces became less fuzzy, and I could see the contours of my hand again.

Shortly after I’d adjusted to re-seeing, my younger brother got ahold of my glasses and popped out one of the lenses. My mother hadn’t the time on this particular day to purchase an eyeglass repair kit, and suddenly, without my glasses, I couldn’t filter between sounds. One of my parents would speak to me, the sound growing as muddled as my vision. My father, also known as The Impatient Parent, grew angry and very loudly demanded to know why I wasn’t answering him. After I replied that I couldn’t hear very well without my glasses, he grew angrier and sent me to my room.

I reflect on this particular day of my third-grade life, trying to recount what I heard exactly. My senses have always had a tendency to jumble, to blur: sometimes I’m unable to discern which “input” is driving me nuts, or one particular input converges with another, or I just totally lose track of all input and enter trance mode.

Yet, I think that sensory dysfunction wasn’t — and isn’t — the whole story here. Lately, I’ve been super conscious about my eyes, where they look, how often they dart, whether they meet with another pair of eyes. And while I’ve always felt that eye contact is “unnatural” for me, I’ve never really thought about why this is so. And tonight, during book club, I realized where my default “gaze” landed in a group where autistics are the majority: the lips.

I can’t decipher a person’s emotions based on the dilating of pupils, the half-closure of eyelids, the flicker of irises, the subtleties of eyelash movement. But I can recognize a smile, a smirk, a frown, a tongue. And if I combine those lip movements with the volume level of a person’s voice, I’m much more likely to reach an accurate emotional interpretation than I am if I’m focusing on eyeball gymnastics. I wonder if the eight-year-old me interpreted hearing synaesthetically, as an alternative form of nonverbal communication, one that made more sense than pure auditory listening. As a child, I’d sometimes move my lips and would assume others could “hear” me — because I sometimes couldn’t discriminate between the words in my head and the words escaping my mouth. Even today, I have voice modulation issues: it’s difficult for me to speak in the perfect “inside voice,” to recognize whether I’m too soft or too loud. Even when I whisper, my voice sounds loud to me.

Certainly, my eye contact and voice modulation “differences” were more visible and pronounced when I was younger — but, in some ways, those differences were more acceptable then than they are now. An eight-year-old who refuses to look at her teacher and speaks in mousy (and/or non-existent) tones is read as “shy” and “cute” and “silly.” It’s not so cute and silly now.

My eighth-grade Drama/English teacher made me her eye-contact-and-voice-projection project. I’d stay after school and she’d force me to look at her. While talking loudly. While robotically moving and hand-ticcing. I soon became her body-language project as well: I was perpetually stiff and stimmy.

This past summer, I pulled out videos of my eighth-grade performances, plays where I somehow managed to land large roles. Upon hitting play, I reeled away from the TV screen, semi-mortified: my hand gestures looked as if I were doing a really bad version of the robot dance. And my voice — I couldn’t quite see my face, so I couldn’t quite read or hear everything — but it sounded very aspie-like. Very non-typical.

“Stare at the bridges of their noses,” Mrs. H would say. “Look at the back wall. Move to stage left. No — the other stage left. Lower your hands. Hands at your sides — put your hands at your sides. Pick up the quill — and stop wringing your hands. Stop wringing your hands. Count to three between each sentence. Count to three after every punctuation mark. Louder. Louder. Look me in the eye. ”

I feel as though I’ve naturalized “mortified,” as though I have embodied a state of mortification. Watching old videos and looking at old photos is almost painful — and yet, it shouldn’t be.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I’d been diagnosed much earlier, in kindergarten. Who would I be now? How much more or less would the autism have been beaten out of me? Would I even attempt to pass? Would I have felt more confident in being the autistic me, rather than the faux-NT me? Would I like and appreciate my younger, videotaped self more?

sean and me
My cousin trying to turn my face toward the camera

me and santa
Stimming is more fun than Santa

I realize that, lately, a dominant theme of this blog has been about de-binarizing disability. Yet, being a binary would be so much easier to identify with than being a “mild” autistic, than being an aspie who can generally pass. (And I suppose that this “easiness” is the problem with binaries — so unrealistic, so simplistic, so twofold.) Sometimes I wonder: do I have autism or passism?

Yes, I am proud to be autistic. But Asperger’s isn’t all sunshine and butterflies.

Binaries

Posted on November 13th, 2008 in blog rants by Aspie Rhetor

Who can speak in the autism conversation?
This is the question I keep returning to.

Frequently, when I suggest that autism doesn’t need a cure — or that many autistics don’t want a cure — I’m greeted with the following retort: “You shouldn’t be cured. You’re high-functioning.”

Ah, yes. I’m a high-functioning autistic. As a result, unless I agree with Autism Speaks’ video manifesto, I don’t count.

There are some huge problems with this high-functioning/low-functioning binary. Namely, it’s a medical construct, and, as such, both sides of the binary are frequently used to suit the purposes of people who aren’t autistic. We don’t have a stable definition of what high-functioning is, again, because it’s a social construct: if one is able to speak, is she high-functioning? If one is able to attend college, is she high-functioning? If one is able to make eye contact, is she high-functioning? If one can speak but can’t work, can cook but can’t drive, can read existential philosophy but can’t add single digits, can hug on demand but can’t stop a head-banging binge, can mimic smalltalk but can’t modulate the volume of her voice, can pass in short bursts but can’t refrain from hand-flapping, is she high-functioning?

I’ve been told that I not only seem to have high-functioning autism, but high-functioning high-functioning autism, as if my new aim should be for threesies — high-functioning high-functioning high-functioning autism. How wonderfully echolalic. (If I say this three times out loud, do I have to move back two steps?)

The Autistic Bitch from Hell wrote about the problematics of the HFA/LFA divide in a 2006 blog entry. She suggested that if we take any other marginalized group and insert “high-functioning” as an adjective, wars ensue. The examples she presents are as follows:

“She is a high functioning woman; unlike most women, she can live independently.”

“He is high functioning for a black man; he can keep a job.”

When people say, “Wow! You’re smart for someone with Asperger’s,” I never know whether I should 1) smile meekly, or 2) punch them in the face. I usually go with gut feeling #1 because I’m polite for a person with Asperger’s. (As if rudeness were one of the DSM IV criteria for Asperger’s.) </sarcasm>

Why all this compare and contrast? Why one extreme or the other? Why shove diverse individuals into either/or categories? In essence, functioning level involves the extent to which an autistic’s personality traits match up with the expectations of particular neurotypicals. When others denote me as a high-functioning autistic, there’s still an assumption that I’m malfunctioning, because no matter how “high” I am on the grid, I’m never just plain functioning. And when autistics are coined as low-functioning, the assumptions made involve malfunctioning on warp overdrive. If we’re ever going to remove autism from the funk of puzzlehood, then we need to stop with these malfunctioning robot allusions. It’s as though we’re labeling some autistics as gaming PCs with a few missing processor chips, and we’re labeling other autistics as ribbonless, keyless, cordless typewriters circa 1883. HFA and LFA are attempts to technologize autism — and not positively, either. Like many an aspie, I love my computer, but I certainly don’t empathize with it.

So, by this warped HFA/LFA logic, if I’m the hottest PC from Best Buy who happens to be short a few RAM sticks (and also happens to have a processor from, say, the 1990s stone age), then how can I claim that 1883 typewriters don’t want a technological upgrade? I mean, sure, I’ve got a few screws loose myself, and even though I’m slow and sometimes emit weird smoke or freeze with the blue screen of death, I’m an otherwise quirky machine who generally gets the job done. I’m worlds away from that horribly damaged typewriter.

This machine metaphor is horrid and inaccurate, but it’s the mental picture I have when I hear people discuss autistics and functioning. And it perpetuates division upon division, stereotype upon stereotype.

It saddens me that some of the more prominent writers in the autistic community — Donna Williams, Temple Grandin, Thomas McKean — take this approach. Donna Williams, author of Nobody Nowhere and several other books, often writes of her world before language and uses this language-less distinction to separate the auties from the aspies. And though I don’t discount the diversity of the autism spectrum, and nor do I discount the fact that Williams’ autistic experiences are different from my own, I don’t see the utility of an aspie/autie or HFA/LFA division. I also have to wonder if what Williams describes as a language-less realm is interpreted as, indeed, languageless by other so-called LFA auties: the person who immediately comes to mind is Amanda Baggs.

Of course, I don’t want to re-define or question Williams’ experience. I can’t pretend to know her past and present worlds. I do wonder, though, how it is we’re defining language when it comes down to the LFA/HFA divide — because, certainly, not speaking or not understanding verbal speech shouldn’t render one languageless. (What about hand gestures, or repetitive movements, or grunts and moans? What about sign language? What about typing? What about FC? What about self-injury?)

Additionally, I don’t think that this so-called language barrier between aspies and auties should define how we advocate as a community, nor should it split us into two opposing communities. According to the DSM IV, all autistics, by medical definition, have “impaired” language/communication, whether verbal or non-verbal.

This binary brings me to an autistics.org article, Who Can Call Themselves Autistic? Here, the authors respond to Thomas McKean’s 2006 “A Danger in Speaking.” McKean writes of the autism conference circuit, denouncing speakers who have self-diagnosed as autistic and also casting suspicion on those who were officially diagnosed in adulthood. McKean reasons that the self-diagnosed and the adult-diagnosed have little to no place in the conversations surrounding autism. Although McKean poses some valid concerns about self-diagnosis (after all, we don’t want autism to become a teenage internet fad), what he doesn’t acknowledge are the obstacles certain autistics face in obtaining diagnostic testing. Those who are “high-functioning” adults have typically been misdiagnosed with disorders that never fit, or have been institutionalized or wrongly medicated because the “autism” of 1993 wasn’t the “autism” of 1994. Moreover, insurance companies rarely cover autism-related expenses. Testing can cost anywhere from $600 to $5000, depending on where one lives. Additionally, both age and gender complicate autism diagnosis: adults learn to compensate for their autistic “oddities,” and women often present as “milder” cases. Additionally, very few specialists are equipped to deal with autism diagnosis, some even believing that only emotionless, monotoned boys age seven or younger can be diagnosed with Asperger’s.

In short, McKean claims that self- and adult-diagnosed autistics haven’t “suffered” like he has, yet he ignores the fact that these autistics have “suffered” in ways that he hasn’t. Moreover, in Asperger Syndrome Employment Workbook, authors Meyer and Attwood maintain that official diagnosis should never be imposed upon autistics: rather, those who do not wish the stigma of a medical label can accurately claim autism if their self-diagnosis is “peer-confirmed”:

Every AS person deals with diagnosis and disclosure issues in a unique way. If you are self-diagnosed, your diagnosis should be validated through the comments of other adults with AS. This is called ’self-diagnosis, peer-confirmed.’ Many self-diagnosed AS adults refrain from diagnosis for as many reasons as there are individuals. (33)

The self-diagnosis debate isn’t something that I’d like to get into any further, though I do offer the argument that any person who identifies as autistic is also self-diagnosed, whether officially diagnosed or not. I see self-diagnosis as self-identification and official diagnosis as being identified. (And, yes, in case people are wondering, I’ve been officially diagnosed, unofficially diagnosed, self-diagnosed, misdiagnosed, and peer-confirmed — and not in that order. How many hoops must one jump through to really be autistic? Or maybe the real hoop is the “cure” hoop?)

McKean’s logic, as described by the auties and aspies at autistics.org, is this: if you don’t want a cure for autism, then you need to prove that you’re autistic, because it’s 99% certain that you’re not really, truly autistic.

Questioning someone’s diagnosis is part-and-parcel with the HFA/LFA binary. These designations fail to account for the spectrum that is autism, a non-linear spectrum, at that. And, of course, if we truly want to dismantle this “functionalization” of autistics, what do we say to those autistics who do the opposite, the ones who claim that autistics who want cures or hate autism aren’t “real” autistics? Writes McKean,

What you do not have a right to do is to claim that a cure is wrong for everyone. Until you have met everyone with autism in the world, until you have gotten to know them, you simply cannot make a blanket statement like this.

My response to this, which is always evolving, causes me to wonder if it’s actually cure that such people are after. The dialogue that GRASP tried to start with Autism Speaks on the cure debate is one such illustration of the cure confusion. When autistics reference cure, do they desire to become entirely new people, the sort of brain-transplant cure that neurodiverse activists decry? Or, do they mean societal acceptance, or accommodations, or reduction of one “symptom” such as sensory overload, or medical treatment? Because if autism truly is what modern science describes it to be — genetic, neurological, and brain-based — then, indeed, a cure for autism would involve major brain rewiring or prenatal testing and abortion.

I have more to say, but this post is too long. So I’ll stop, muse some more, and come back to this.

Wordle

Posted on November 4th, 2008 in blog rants by Aspie Rhetor

A Wordle representation of my blog:

Wordle 10/28/08

I like the way Wordle emphasizes the most-used words in my blog. Wordle is sort of like an image-based invention activity, in a way. In looking at how these words are arranged — words that I’ve already used — I wonder at how I might balance the ratios in further writings. I also wonder about what’s missing, or what’s hardly visible: words such as rhetoric, theory, disability, and, most shockingly, Jeff Lynne and ELO. I need to turn up the dial on my perseverative brain!